It’s 3:AM and I’ve always been an expert in hiding my true emotions. Why? Because I simply didn’t want to accept what I felt in whichever moment I was in. Whether I was sad, angry, or borderline insane, I had everything under control. Or so… I thought, till I finally learned to let it out and not care what others, including my parents thought of me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve often presented myself to be someone who was a little ahead of her time. The very thought of crying in front of someone, let alone saying anything depending on what I felt inside, would make my skin crawl. I was a strange, strange individual who led an equally strange life. Nothing to flaunt, but it was pretty bleak back then.
I knew my way with words and it made me feel extra good when people would give me a compliment or two when it came to my language, vocabulary, and keeping myself informed. But deep down, I was finding every reason to hate myself constantly. To be honest, I don’t know how to answer that question either. Perhaps, it could be because I wanted to find a reason to come up with something that would give anyone a reason to be disappointed in me.
Was that too brutal or too forward?
You think what you choose to think, which I doubt will affect me. This is what the previous 2022 me would’ve felt. If you ask me the same question now? My answer would be ‘I have no idea what happened in the past, let’s talk about how cute the clouds in the sky look.’ You probably might be wondering what I’m trying to tell you. But now that you’ve started reading, you might as well just carry on reading, till I finally reveal to you what the purpose of this whole unfiltered speech could possibly be about.
As mentioned earlier, I’ve been good at hiding my feelings and never bothered to confide in anyone. When you keep pouring water into a jug, there’s only so much the jug can take, and if you keep pouring water into it, the jug overflows. That’s what I was doing to myself when it came to bottling up my emotions. Bigger the restrain, closer I was to kill myself mentally. I remember I was in the hall writing something on my laptop when I suddenly burst out in anger. My mother didn’t have to do much to ask me what was wrong because she simply took my hand and told me in her usual, soft, voice ‘What’s the matter?” and I responded with a hesitant ‘I want to put an end to it. I want to put an end to everything. That’s the matter.’ I didn’t hold back. I could feel the tears streaming down my face because I wanted the pain to stop.
I wanted to stop feeling altogether because of how much I was hurting from within. Everything hurts. My mind, soul, body…it felt like my heart was ready to fall off. Including the world around me.
My mother didn’t say anything. She just smiled gently and prompted me to carry on. I told her why. I told her why I despised the fact of turning 23, why I wasn’t looking forward to 2022 transforming into 2023, and most of all…why I felt I hadn’t accomplished much in my life when 23, was supposed to be the age when everything falls into place for me. I hated the struggles that came with it and I hated myself because I was afraid I wasn’t doing much to satisfy my parents, fearing that they’d be disappointed in me. It was a surprise for not only my mother but for me to think along those lines about her and my father, as they are one of the most supportive and encouraging parents I could’ve asked for. And I’m grateful to be brought into this world by them.
My mother smiled again and told me that I had nothing to fear. All she said was ‘Why didn’t you tell this to me earlier? We could’ve talked about it.” She then went on to encourage and appreciate me, by highlighting how far I’ve come in my career. How I’d published three books in a year’s time which resulted in one of them making it into Amazon’s bestselling author list. How far I’ve come in my spiritual journey as well. I had every reason to be proud of myself but I channeled all of my thoughts into unwanted negativity.
The moral of the story…is to stop killing yourself from the inside. You are allowed to feel what you want to feel and just accept what it is in the moment you’re in. Expressing your thoughts or feelings won’t hinder what it is that you want to be, let alone attract. Detach yourself from any mental attractions for the time being and just talk it out to someone whom you can trust. It’ll only make you twice as strong and you are amazing, regardless of what you feel.
If I made you cry, you aren’t the only one. Because I did too, out of relief, as I wrote this. I didn’t cry because I was upset. I cried because I felt happy and relieved….knowing that whoever reads this….I’m always here to listen to you. Before I leave, there is a small poem I wrote, that I’d love to share with you all:
“I have thoughts, I have words but everything from the inside…hurts.
I feel I have no one to listen to me, for who’d allow me to let me be?
The voices in my head don’t allow me to breathe, but the voice from my outer world allows me to see. To heal. To feel.
I needn’t feel afraid…As I know that my world…my safe space…allows me to feel. Heal.”